There are so many cliché’s related to looking for a partner. Looking for someone who is “comfortable in their skin”, someone who “makes me happy, “fulfils my needs” and many more, but the one I find the most problematic is being driven by “chemistry”.
What does that mean?
Attraction, a certain ‘zing’ between you, instant infatuation and romance? You feel you “understand each other”. You’ve found “the one.”
If this is your main indicator of whether a connection is viable or not, the first question I would ask is.
Is this how you found your first love and progressive partners?
Did they work out?
If the answer is “yes “you don’t need to read further. If what you are doing is working, keep doing it.
However, if the answer is “no.” why would you keep repeating such a strategy?
Romance and attraction is a complex subject. In terms of reproduction it is a simple and yet powerful force that keeps the species populated. In other animals its governed by hormones and smells that indicate a switch or trigger in turning on attraction through the release of hormones. In terms of human responses its similar.
We all come from thousands of generations of human beings where a certain look, shape, perception of beauty or quality became our way of sensing if we are interested or not, in a potential partner.
I work with singles, couples and relationships and have done a lot of education and training and am a family constellations practitioner with more than 25 year’s experience in this field. I frequently work with people who come to the realization saying something like, “I can’t believe that I attract people who are similar in some senses to the qualities of parents. Or grandparents
When we look closer, they appear to be sub-consciously attracted to the unattainable or problematic aspects of their system. They may repeatedly attract people who are e.g.unavailable or have addictive qualities, or are controlling, critical, manipulative or have the trait of not fully seeing, hearing or respecting them.
From a constellation perspective, human beings are still attempting to sort out their original complex or problematic family connections through attracting similar traits in partners. This is deeply subconscious and is often only noticed when we look back on our lives.
At first it feels like “chemistry”.
And it is.
We have sensed a familiar quality or energy and are attracted to it, with the subliminal hope that this time their might have a better outcome. The pull and attraction are strong as hormones are released and we enter the fog and illusion of romance.
We don’t recognise the patterns that are unfolding as we blindly agree to ignore the warning signs, as we go deeper into this connection. Until we find we have willingly allowing ourselves to be entrapped through the infatuation of the love hormone oxytocin into another painful relationship. We might blame them. However, the reality is that it’s us who are the common denominator in our lives.
So how do we come out of such emotional entrapments?
Through looking at ourselves and our primary connections through constellation processes. An experiential process where you are seen as part of your family system in terms of placement, entanglements and dynamics.
A process that has compassion for you an for parents and grandparents, who were for the most part doing the best they could do, with what they had or knew at the time, just as you are.
Your system may have experienced many tragedies through generations of displacements, exclusion, injustice, wars and famine. Just as is happening in our world now in real time. Terrible circumstances that leave traumatised people having to move forward in an attempt for themselves and their children to survive, from one moment to the next.
How can we come out of this?
Through acknowledgment and acceptance of the reality of our system and its history, culture and choices. And the miracle of us being here. From here we may start the process of reforming our inner connections to our system. Perhaps from disconnection, hatred, dislike, hurting or judgement to healthier inner connections with our system. And in particular with our parents in finding a healthier place with them. Hence a healthier free-er place in life.
Accepting where we come from is the first step in accepting ourselves. In improving our sense of worth.
This does not mean your family is necessarily good or perfect. They may be the opposite. if so you have a bigger challenge and the potential of bigger growth.
Acknowledging them as they are is the challenge of this process. They may be imperfect, just as we are in reality. It’s a big personal development shift.
Now we may be able to look for partners in a way that is not driven by that fatal chemistry and instead look for people who interest us, or are happy to meet us where we are, so we may do the same for them. People we can enjoy spending time with. Perhaps liking the person is the best first step. Romance dies, after its honeymoon, but if the face you see each day is warm and welcoming, perhaps there is a reason to deepen and nurture it into a lasting relationship. Perhaps “the one” can turn out to be someone you may never have envisioned.
Of course, they and you are not perfect, so there may be some sorting out to do.
With our connection to family behind us now in our inner world, we don’t have to keep searching for them in our partners. Relationships are the biggest space for personal growth that we can engage in on our human journey. They mirror how we operate in the world.
Perhaps we can start a new chapter of how this generation in our family does relationships.
If you have found this interesting, my next Family Constellations online training is starting on 1 May. Details
I have written four books where Family Constellations are a central part of the narrative. Details HERE