Divorce and separation rates are higher than ever. There is no doubt that whether it’s you, your partner or both who decide to separate, it remains a difficult process. While most people may expect it to be painful ending a long term relationship, the loss of shorter ones may be unexpectedly painful too.There is always a period of grief, but what if you have done a lot to get over it but its still there?
The problem is that in relationship we become connected on so many levels. Physically, socially, financially, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Further, the relationship frequently becomes part of our identity. An identity of being part of a couple that often requires a big mind and heart shift to get used to being single again. While it is stressful to sort out the physical aspects of separation, such as the belongings and relocation, this is only the first step. Even when the end of a difficult relationship is a relief, thoughts and emotions often arise involuntarily. Waves of anger or sadness and grief. We may find that we miss aspects of the person we once loved, replaying scenarios in our head of good or bad times. Arguments and feelings of injustice or betrayal and most of all having to start the process and the challenge of letting go of a dream that has died. Let go of the idea that it would work out and that you would have that person by your side through life. Most of us have a dream or a wish of a nurturing and sustaining relationship and do not want to be without a partner. Don’t want to be alone.
In relationship we become connected neurologically through our thinking and feeling patterns. Couples become attuned to each other’s energy system, way of looking at the world and the essence of the person. We become neurologically, emotionally and energetically connected. In pulling away we need to heal on so many levels in order to move on in a good way. Without inadvertently carrying anger, sadness and resentment into the next potential relationship. We have become connected at the level of the soul and even if we know that a separation is necessary and the best outcome, a Family Constellation spiritual divorce is often really helpful in assisting the completion of the process for couples or singles even years after the event. This forms several levels of release to enable a final stage of grieving to take place, so as to enable us to be open to new possibilities when the time is right.
The psychotherapy or counselling processes I had used prior to my involvement with Family Constellations prior to 2005 are not equipped to work in a systemic, experiential way to highlight the deep family dynamics and enmeshments that are below the surface in all relationships.
The constellation process is a brief and effective way of assisting people in untangling themselves from failed relationships, so they can complete any grieving and move on in their lives as singles or to assist them in arriving at a place of readiness for new relationships. The process highlights what is required to be addressed in a brief, deep, intervention that facilitates growth and new possibilities. The process is also very helpful in highlighting patterns and assisting you in resolving old pattern of picking the same, or the wrong type of partners.
I have a vision of the constellation process becoming a core component of couples therapy, knowing that for some couples separation is the best option once the relationship has run its course. In this the constellation process is a valuable way of working with separation and family law, so that deeper healing and more cooperative solutions may arise. One that allows children to enjoy the love of each parent and become part of healthier blended families with healthier parent role models. With or without children, a place where adults can find an avenue to assist them in moving on in a heart-felt and empowering manner as men and women.
The next Systemic Family Constellations practitioner composite online training for existing psychotherapists and those who are new, is available now, where you can start to work through the 11 webinars at your own pace and attend the online component with me on 22-26 March 20 Details and Booking