The personal development industry has blown out over recent years. It provides a range of forums to raise awareness and growth and offers pathways to wellness and success. These appeal to men and women who are focused on fulfilling their potential.
The latest developments in epigentics show that we are both influenced by what we inherit and in turn have an effect on future generations.
If this is so, how can we clear our imprint for ourselves in a way that is beneficial not only for ourselves but also our children?
We are all born through complex family systems and often into imperfect situations.
If our parents were confused, needy or damaged we are likely to harbour dysfunction and woundings from our upbringing.
There is no doubt parent-child relationships are fundamental in influencing our development. They contribute to how we feel, who we become and how we interact with others. In particular with loved ones. Partners, lovers and children. They affect how we present ourselves in the world. It is here our wounding may be perpetuated through generations.
I offer a scenario of how this takes place.
Bob came home from a war with the trauma of violence, guilt and loss. He had witnessed and been a perpetrator of violence. This greatly affected him and how he related to those around him, in particular, his wife and son Peter. On his return he was unrecognisable as the easy loving man they remembered.
Peter experienced a distant, violent and drunken father. This had an impact on him as experiences of disappointment, disconnection and trauma became part of his daily life. Further he had unresolved grief over the loss of a father he’d loved.
This was a powerful influence on his development.
In adulthood Peter attempted to create the kind of loving environment he’d wanted for himself, for the lives of his children. However, his wounding was still alive and regardless of his efforts to overcome it, he couldn’t be the balanced loving parent he so wished to be.
In truth Peter’s children may have experienced him as moody or ‘absent’ much like his own father, or overly anxious in his efforts to compensate for what he didn’t get for himself.
Both may be problematic.
The children may fail to see the source of their father’s wounding in that he’s has had a more fortunate life than his tragic war-torn father. They may not be aware of the invisible wounding still alive in him.
Of course children just want a happy, balanced and loving father, and parents mostly do the best they can with what they have and what they know. And so it continues.
Here we see how dysfunction may be generated and maintained.
There is no doubt many of us (including me) vowed to be very different to our parents in an attempt to provide a better experience for our children. However in our zeal, we may swing to the opposite and create other unintentional affects. This is because swinging from one extreme to the other is still off-balance and often problematic.
As a young mother with my own wounding and confusion I endeavoured to be a very different parent. In this I went overboard in attempting to give my children everything. Too much and accompanied with an anxiety to be perfect.
This was unrealistic and it had an affect.
I now know that there is no such thing as perfect and the middle ground of ‘good enough’ is plenty, as this is more balanced and leaves room for growth.
In truth giving too much can be equally as damaging as giving too little. Too much may rob our children of the value of self-esteem and resilience. These are qualities gained from finding their own way in the world.
The dynamics from family influences become the ‘blue print’ from which we operate in all areas of life. When they are in ‘good order’ they nurture us.
However, when ‘disordered’ they entangle and restrict us. This often feels like a weight and may be experienced as emotional or psychological burdens, blocks or self-sabotage.
These stop us from being complete.
In modern societies many of us think of ourselves as individuals that are self determining entities. In reality this is not totally honest, as we don’t have the whole picture. .
We are individuals, yes, but also the product of all that has gone before us in our family systems.
In our family systems we receive love and nurturing. But we also receive unresolved, disturbed senses coming from our connections with our forefathers and mothers. These are unconscious for the most part and are may be considered as systemic blocks.
How do you know you have a systemic block?
If you have been aware of a pattern that makes no sense in your biography such as a feeling or a pattern. It may be a systemic block. If you’ve always been aware of self-sabotage behaviour and repeating family patterns, but regardless of trying everything to resolve them, they persist; they are likely to be systemic. Such patterns can’t be resolved by affirmations, changing behaviour, willpower or positive thinking alone. This is why coaching, personal development or counselling are insufficient to deal with them effectively.
Instead a systemic process is better equipped to deal with such presentations. The process of Family Constellations is effective at resolving systemic blocks.
Systemic Constellations is a process that resolves the underlying dynamics that hold us back in a powerful, brief and experiential way. This allows us to come out of entanglements with the past and in a respectful manner for all concerned. This is appropriate for relationship, success and wellness.
The Constellation process originates in Germany and is popular in Spanish speaking cultures. It is becoming recognised world-wide as an effective way of resolving systemic blocks,. This often requires one session and may take place in a group process or private session..
Through resolutions it is possible to resett the ‘blue print’ of how we operate in life. A new inner world is formed from which new possibilities may arise.
In coming to resolve his systemic entanglement, Peter or his children would be able to see and feel where they are stuck. Through the constellation process, they would release the emotional components, find new perspectives and move on in taking any love and support with them into their lives.
From an epigentic perspective this provides the opportunity to heal personal wounds for yourself and pass on a clearer genetic ‘blue-print’ to your children.
I envisage a world where Systemic Constellation theory and practice is common place. So much so it is seen as everyone’s right and privilege to experience as required for resolving systemic blocks. Through this our family dynamics may become clearer in enabling healthier connections. This means more of us in a better connection with our roots, so that love and resources are available to us. This is a fertile place from which each of us has the opportunity to fulfil our potential as unique human beings and enhance our world.
I have been running Family Constellations workshops and private sessions since 2005 and offer training. For more information see www.familyconstellations.com.au
Yildiz is the founder of two psychotherapies, a clinical hypnotherapist, Family Constellations facilitator and educator/trainer and author of three books. Her latest book Rapid Core Healing Pathways to growth and emotional healing (2016). Yildiz lives and runs a private practice in Brisbane, Australia, travelling nationally and globally to train clinicians and run workshops for the general public.
Organisations involved in training or growth interested in courses or applications may contact me on yildiz@yildizsethi.com
These ideas are presented in her book Rapid Core Healing for Growth and Emotional Healing (2016)