A new approach to couples Therapy

SCRT (Systemic Couples and Relationship Therapy)

Couples Therapy is familiar to many. While there are many things that may be challenging about a relationship, many couples and therapists report that communication is the key.  This includes different love languages.

The problem is that while communication is often the presenting issue; it is on the surface.

If a relationship is in crisis, it’s not uncommon to hear that each of the couple experience any of the following. ;

‘ feeling alone, misunderstood, not loved, seen, heard or valued’.

Then assume that such feelings must come down to lack of communication or miscommunication.

They may have tried to discuss their feelings with each other. And yet continue to ‘feel alone, misunderstood or not loved, seen, heard or valued’.

One set of problems is this.

When working with a couple we are working with people who come from different family systems. With their own histories, resources, patterns, disfunctions and traumas.

Each of them may not be able to understand or interpret what it is their partner wants of them.

Or they have tried their best to deliver what they think is needed and failed.  The partner may not have recognised what their partner offers, as they expect it in a different way. Not realising that the partner cannot know the intricacies of the others family system and what is perceived as normal to each of them.

Each of the couple seek to have their own needs met in the other.

A major set of misunderstanding of each other’s inner world.  Of sensing, feeling, perceptions and expectations

The second set of problems is this.

We are all born into ancient systems that are similar, in that we are all human and yet unique.

Each system holds love, resources and emotional, behavioural, cultural and traumatic baggage.

Born into our own system is all we can know. That’s why it is feels normal. As children we soak up our environment like a sponge. The events and nuances of the ups and downs of family life in our childhoods.

Often, we arrive into adulthood having not had our needs met by our parents. Most often, having experienced confusion and incomplete or total dissatisfaction. Often poor connections with mum, dad or both. This is very deeply repressed in our unconscious mind in the form of entanglements and loyalties and unmet needs.

We bring this into our love relationships. In unconsciously seeking to fulfil unmet needs from our partner.

In systemic couples work, constellations may show the dynamics of the relational interactions of a couple and how the relationship is affected by each of their family systems.

As the dynamics of each of the couple are unconscious, talking about the problems or behaviour is unlikely to enable real change. Talking is done from conscious awareness only. Awareness that cannot be aware of their unconscious generational patterning.

This is why Constellations for each of the couple is useful.  Helpful in assisting them in identifying their entanglements and assisting them in the healing, growth and individuation that is required from their own system. So they can interact with their partner in a more adult manner. With growth, responsibility, clarity and compassion.

For these complex reasons, working with communication is insufficient, compared to working more directly at cause: With the patterns and feelings that cannot be accessed by cognitive words or strategies.

Each of the couple requires resolution with their own systems first. Then they are able to recreate different their communication, because they are now able to come from a different place within.  In my experience once the systemic work is done, communication falls more easily into place. As much  of the misunderstandings between them fall away. They can see and feel each other with more clarity.

They may still choose to separate, but perhaps in a more friendly manner. Or they may choose to recreate their relationship in a better way through couples sessions and beyond, by themselves.

Done this way much of the misunderstanding between them frequently falls away, so if they choose to stay together they can recreate the relationship they want.

Such relationship therapy not only enhances the ability of each of the couple to relate in a more conscious way, but also allows for personal growth for future relationships if they separate.

A case (names and identification have been changed to maintain privacy)

Beth and Cain came in for couples work.

They were in their 40’s with three children. Cain had been having affairs and Beth was deeply hurt and at the point of leaving.

In looking at Cain’s family system, his father had also had affairs and his mother had been unavailable. Busy and distracted and also a good home maker.

Cain had a strong impulse for romance which he said was a ‘search to fill his emptiness’, even though he loved his wife and family.

In looking at Beth’s family she had never had a close connection to her mother. Her parents had separated when she was a child.

They had both been drawn together due to their systemic attraction dynamics.

The systemic couples approach helped each of them sort out their own family system dynamics. Then what was happening between them. Finally helped them to recreate the relationship they both wanted. It was important to also help Beth to draw better boundaries for herself and also build trust, knowing that her husband was committed to his own healing and his wife and children.

This required two sets of 4 sessions with me and assisted them in turning their relationship around and begin the process of rebuilding. A better relationship with trust and a better connection and better communication.

This is ideal for all people who are involved in, or wish to enter work with couples and family.

I offer Advanced training:

Couples private packages. Details

SCRT (Systemic Couples and Relationship Therapy) training.
Online on 10-12 November.
This is for those who’ve already done Family Constellations training. Details

In this training we will cover the dynamics of attraction  and also how to work with Family Constellations in private session or Workshops in person or online.

Suitable for Family Constellations facilitators. Details

Training packages for those who would like to do Family Constellations training and follow up with SCRT (Systemic Couples and Relationship Therapy) training as well.

Suitable for Psychotherapists, counsellors, alternative practitioners, psychotherapists and hypnotherapists and New Therapists.

To give them the knowledge and skills to facilitate self-healing processes for those who seek relationship help. Details

I like to visualise a place where SCRT (Systemic Couples and Relationship Therapy) may take place alongside individual therapy in being well known.

I believe this is the future of family and couples work in dealing with the underlying dynamics of relationships for personal and couples healing and growth and to assist healthier intimate relationships and family life. My name is Yildiz Sethi, a Pracademic focusing on Mind Science in practice, a Family constellation facilitator and trainer and innovator of Emotional Mind Integration and Rapid Core Healing and Trauma and sexual abuse recovery informed knowledge and processing.

For more information see

Family Constellations

Emotional Mind Integration

Rapid Core Healing

Yildiz Sethi

Trauma recovery

Sexual abuse Recovery