‘A Stitch in time saves nine’. RCH Couples therapy.
Most people assume that when we find the right partner that love will sustain the relationship through the ups and downs of life. However we often form a marriage or relationship while young and inexperienced before we really know who we are.
We cannot foresee how we will grow and develop and how we will feel twenty or more years later. We also cannot know the consequences of our choices or the kinds of events that we will have to face. How can we?
Our culture is such that we often don’t look for help in our relationship until it has reached critical or chronic proportions even though there are clear signals along the way that things are not going well. We may not want to spend the money or time to sort it out for many reasons and turn a blind eye until it is beyond repair.
But how much does a divorce cost in money, time, chaos and hurt as the life of a couple and family disintegrate?
Couples therapy may take place through many models. Most involve couples sessions only and focus primarily on communication and expressing feelings as well as strategies for living more harmoniously together. In short a discussion of problems, needs, feelings and expectations and how the couple may improve their relationship.
In my experience of over seventeen years with couples talk therapy alone does not resolve the deeper-seated issues that couples face. Couples issues involve communication, sex, infidelity, finance, trust, previous partners, children and extended family. The problem is even though these areas may be perceived as issues, they are often symptomatic of deeper dysfunctions.
If the crux of such issues were simply communication, behaviour and misunderstandings these may be resolved through a counselling process successfully. And many are. However if deep-seated issues remain after counselling, I have found continuing talk therapy to be unhelpful. Deeper issues need to be resolved at the level they arise. The roots of these often reside in blind spots in the mind and are often unconscious or part of their family systems.
Here is an example. A couple were concerned about the lack of trust that a man had in his wife. In discussion it was disclosed that his mother had been unfaithful to his father even though their marriage had remained intact. He was very aware of his father’s pain. In looking at the history of his partner, her father had left the family for another woman. It was clear that mistrust and the pain of infidelity had been a real experience for both of their family systems. Talk or cognitive therapy is unlikely to go deep enough to resolve such deep emotional drivers so they can start to build more trust between them. A Family Constellation was able to help each of the couple resolve their own family of origin issues so they could look back at each other with new eyes and start the process of a new start to their relationship.
Another couple was struggling with the level of anger the wife had for her partner. She had experienced significant abuse by her father. In looking at her family of origin through a Family Constellation she was able to acknowledge, express and resolve the rage she felt for what had happened and then was able to look at her husband in a different way. She immediately felt a pang of guilt for blaming him for her rage as she realised it had little to do with him and their life together. The anger she had directed at him had been misplaced. If we had stayed in a traditional talk therapy or cognitive approach there may well have been some awareness raised for the couple, but this is unlikely to have changed the instinctive reactive pattern that they were locked into.
I am a psychotherapist and Family Constellations facilitator who is the founder of Rapid Core Healing (RCH) couples-therapy and Emotional Mind Integration (EMI). These are new and effective ways of working with couples that allows each of the couple to resolve their family of origin issues and also the relationship itself for deeper effective solutions. I am the founder of EMI and RCH. These modalities have been formulated through my work with couples and families. The RCH couple approach requires only one to a few groups of four sessions for most couples rather months or years of traditional therapies making it cost and time efficient.
Once family of origin projections are no longer playing out between the couple it is possible to focus on each of their emotional mind states, connection and communication. I find that once these deeper invisible dynamics are resolved other factors fall into place relatively easily. The Family Constellation process operated on many levels simultaneously. The conscious, unconscious, family system, body senses and according to its founder Bert Hellinger the personal and family soul.
RCH couple therapy is a relatively quick process where deep-seated generational patterns along with personal ones of expectations, roles, communication and boundaries may be resolved from one to several series of the four-sessions program. This may take place in workshops or private or skype sessions,
I visualise a time where couples seek help at many stages of their relationship knowing it to be a cost effective and valuable way of keeping their relationship alive. Not only to save a relationship when it is in crisis, but also to sustain and enrich it, or alternatively to enable the best separation they can have so that they can move forward in a good way. Such a philosophy and program would provide mature and healthy role models for children to witness with the message that its Ok to ask for help at times because ‘A stitch in time saves nine’.
Yildiz holds couples, individual and workshop sessions . You may read about her RCH Couples approach in her latest book Rapid Core Healing Pathways to Growth and Emotional Healing Details .
The Next EMI Training is taking place on 11 September 2017 Special Early Bird price in operation-Be quick.
Details of RCH Training, Family Constellations training and EMI training Book in NOW contact firstname.lastname@example.org
Yildiz is a Brisbane psychotherapist, clinical hypnotherapist, family constellations facilitator and trainer. She is the founder of Rapid Core Healing and Emotional Mind Integration and an Author.
Organisations involved in training or growth interested in EMI courses or applications may contact me on. 0412 172 300 www.rapidcorehealing.com RCH couple therapy
Yildiz is the founder of two psychotherapies, a clinical hypnotherapist, Family Constellations facilitator and educator/trainer and author of three books Details. Yildiz lives and runs a private practice in Brisbane, Australia, travelling nationally and globally to train clinicians and run workshops for the general public.
Family Constellations is a unique way of resolving issues of relationships, prosperity, worthiness and wellness. This occurs on many levels of mind, body and soul in a brief, experiential and solution-focused process in groups or private sessions.
There is no doubt the art and practice of the Family Constellation process looks easy, particularly with a highly skilled practitioner. This is why it was thought (by the founder Bert Hellinger) in the 1990’s that it could be ‘taught’ through osmosis by simply turning up to workshops. Since then he has revised this and runs a Constellation training institute
The former trend produced many people who claimed to be Family Constellation practitioners.
The problem with this was that a small amount of knowledge of such a deep psychotherapeutic process can be dangerous in unskilled hands. It is relatively easy to open up a constellation field, but requires great skill and presence to facilitate a pathway to a healing impulse.
Since around 2004 there was a shift in this trend when wise practitioners began to offer structured, experiential training as a duty of care to the public in providing safe and competent Family Constellations practitioners. The time of claiming training through public workshops was over.
Since then more structured Family Constellations training has become increasingly standard practice.
I know that competent facilitators have Family Constellations theory and practice etched very deeply into their being. It is from this place they hold a space for a constellation to open open-up and evolve. This level of proficiency requires good training, experience and professional and personal development.
I was extremely grateful and fortunate to have received high quality initial Family Constellations training with Svagito Leibermeister. This provided a nourishing and structured base of personal and professional development from which to grow. Since then I have done many valuable trainings all over the world including the Hellinger institute.
From this I know that the key to good quality Family Constellation training is the knowledge that personal development is just as important as professional development. This means that training is not simply academic but also experiential, involving the heart.
This is important, as resolving personal issues and being comfortable with our own family of origin is a prerequisite to helping others with theirs as a facilitator. This enables more authenticity and deeper, more sensitive facilitation.
As a Family Constellation facilitator, trainer and supervisor I offer comprehensive and structured training.
I am aware that my reputation as a Family Constellation trainer depends on the proficiency of my trainees with their clients. The value of training is measured in the quality and depth of the content and its delivery as well as the experience of the Constellations process and the maturity, experience and proficiency of the trainer.
I envision a time when the training of the helping professions medical, mental health and personal development include emotional intelligence and inner growth alongside academic ability in forming well-balanced practitioners for the benefit of all.
I visualise a time when the philosophy of Family Constellations is well known
and an integral part of the way we think, view and interact with each other making the world a better place.
Ends copyright Yildiz Sethi
Yildiz is the director of Family Constellations P/L. She is a family constellations facilitator and trainer and the innovator of Rapid Core Healing and Emotional Mind Integration and an Author.
Her next Family Constellation training starts 3 January 2017.
Her latest book is Rapid Core Healing Pathways to Growth and Emotional Healing. (2016) www.rapidcorehealing.com To see her books www.yildizsethi.com
Yildiz is available for professional development in mental health, trauma and training organisations
Organisations involved in training or growth interested in training courses of Family Constellations, Rapid Core healing or Emotional Mind Integration courses or applications may contact her on email@example.com +61412172300.
A central Family Constellation principle is that there is always love at the core of all family systems.
Many people may be confused or even enraged when they read this. This may be because they are so hurt from their own family system or from observing the cruelty they see in other peoples lives. Many would say, ‘how can love be at the core if abuse is taking place people or there is alcoholism or addiction’ that damages peoples lives?
The reasons are varied and complex. I have give 3 here.
Trauma from life and world circumstances such as wars, famines or big political movements cause such a deep imprint that they cannot easily be expressed, released or dissipated. Hence it becomes part of the family system energy disrupting the normal flow of love.
Confusion and the inability to send or receive love appropriately causes rifts between generations so that the family in crisis becomes out of Order in order in order to simply survive.
Being out of order in itself causes more entanglements until it can be resolved and put right again.
This has an effect on our self worth, relationships, parenting and our ability to be successful in the world.
The Systemic process of Family Constellations is a valuable simple process to help each of connect back to the love at the centre of our family system. The Constellation process is Brief, experiential, powerfully effective and operates on many levels simultaneously for rapid change.
We all belong to families and are all subject to each of the above and more. Family Constellations can help you to come back into Order, internally and from there live a fuller and more harmonious life.
A man cam to me with an issue of feeling stuck in terms of his career. He said he had a sense of shame. He was very well educated and accomplished in his field and yet he always missed out on key roles and jobs and was constantly being over looked for promotions. On asking him about his family history he said his forefather was on one of the first fleets to Australia as a convict. This man was eventually freed and was given land to farm and did become successful. In setting up the constellation it was clear that this original man in Australia was not at ease. His original country was set up and the aboriginal people of Australia too. He was very angry wight he injustice he had received from the UK and his representative felt much better in expressing it and then he turned to the indigenous people and felt deep shame. The Aboriginal people were deeply hurt and angry at being displaced and brutalised from their homelands. The representative for the ancestor prostrated himself on the floor before them sobbing and apologising for what and how he had taken the land and for the lives that were lost. He apologised for excluding them from their homelands and taking away their dignity. The representative for the indigenous people stood tall and gave back their sense of shame to him and he in turn gave back what rightly belonged to his home country for the way he was treated too. From this point the representative of the present day man was deeply moved and bowed first to the original peoples of the land and asked for their blessing to do well in this great land. This was given with the message not to forget the original people of Australia. He was then able to face his great ancestor and bow to his destiny and leave it with him with some understanding and respect.
The constellation finished here with the client feeling emotional and relieved and free. He said he felt lighter and optimistic and no longer felt the sense of shame he had always been aware of. He is now doing well in his career and becoming involved in supporting community projects with indigenous people and has expanded his connections across many levels and made some good friends.