The personal development industry has blown out over recent years. It provides a range of forums to raise awareness and growth and offers pathways to wellness and success. These appeal to men and women who are focused on fulfilling their potential.
The latest developments in epigentics show that we are both influenced by what we inherit and in turn have an effect on future generations.
If this is so, how can we clear our imprint for ourselves in a way that is beneficial not only for ourselves but also our children?
We are all born through complex family systems and often into imperfect situations.
If our parents were confused, needy or damaged we are likely to harbour dysfunction and woundings from our upbringing.
There is no doubt parent-child relationships are fundamental in influencing our development. They contribute to how we feel, who we become and how we interact with others. In particular with loved ones. Partners, lovers and children. They affect how we present ourselves in the world. It is here our wounding may be perpetuated through generations.
I offer a scenario of how this takes place.
Bob came home from a war with the trauma of violence, guilt and loss. He had witnessed and been a perpetrator of violence. This greatly affected him and how he related to those around him, in particular, his wife and son Peter. On his return he was unrecognisable as the easy loving man they remembered.
Peter experienced a distant, violent and drunken father. This had an impact on him as experiences of disappointment, disconnection and trauma became part of his daily life. Further he had unresolved grief over the loss of a father he’d loved.
This was a powerful influence on his development.
In adulthood Peter attempted to create the kind of loving environment he’d wanted for himself, for the lives of his children. However, his wounding was still alive and regardless of his efforts to overcome it, he couldn’t be the balanced loving parent he so wished to be.
In truth Peter’s children may have experienced him as moody or ‘absent’ much like his own father, or overly anxious in his efforts to compensate for what he didn’t get for himself.
Both may be problematic.
The children may fail to see the source of their father’s wounding in that he’s has had a more fortunate life than his tragic war-torn father. They may not be aware of the invisible wounding still alive in him.
Of course children just want a happy, balanced and loving father, and parents mostly do the best they can with what they have and what they know. And so it continues.
Here we see how dysfunction may be generated and maintained.
There is no doubt many of us (including me) vowed to be very different to our parents in an attempt to provide a better experience for our children. However in our zeal, we may swing to the opposite and create other unintentional affects. This is because swinging from one extreme to the other is still off-balance and often problematic.
As a young mother with my own wounding and confusion I endeavoured to be a very different parent. In this I went overboard in attempting to give my children everything. Too much and accompanied with an anxiety to be perfect.
This was unrealistic and it had an affect.
I now know that there is no such thing as perfect and the middle ground of ‘good enough’ is plenty, as this is more balanced and leaves room for growth.
In truth giving too much can be equally as damaging as giving too little. Too much may rob our children of the value of self-esteem and resilience. These are qualities gained from finding their own way in the world.
The dynamics from family influences become the ‘blue print’ from which we operate in all areas of life. When they are in ‘good order’ they nurture us.
However, when ‘disordered’ they entangle and restrict us. This often feels like a weight and may be experienced as emotional or psychological burdens, blocks or self-sabotage.
These stop us from being complete.
In modern societies many of us think of ourselves as individuals that are self determining entities. In reality this is not totally honest, as we don’t have the whole picture. .
We are individuals, yes, but also the product of all that has gone before us in our family systems.
In our family systems we receive love and nurturing. But we also receive unresolved, disturbed senses coming from our connections with our forefathers and mothers. These are unconscious for the most part and are may be considered as systemic blocks.
How do you know you have a systemic block?
If you have been aware of a pattern that makes no sense in your biography such as a feeling or a pattern. It may be a systemic block. If you’ve always been aware of self-sabotage behaviour and repeating family patterns, but regardless of trying everything to resolve them, they persist; they are likely to be systemic. Such patterns can’t be resolved by affirmations, changing behaviour, willpower or positive thinking alone. This is why coaching, personal development or counselling are insufficient to deal with them effectively.
Instead a systemic process is better equipped to deal with such presentations. The process of Family Constellations is effective at resolving systemic blocks.
Systemic Constellations is a process that resolves the underlying dynamics that hold us back in a powerful, brief and experiential way. This allows us to come out of entanglements with the past and in a respectful manner for all concerned. This is appropriate for relationship, success and wellness.
The Constellation process originates in Germany and is popular in Spanish speaking cultures. It is becoming recognised world-wide as an effective way of resolving systemic blocks,. This often requires one session and may take place in a group process or private session..
Through resolutions it is possible to resett the ‘blue print’ of how we operate in life. A new inner world is formed from which new possibilities may arise.
In coming to resolve his systemic entanglement, Peter or his children would be able to see and feel where they are stuck. Through the constellation process, they would release the emotional components, find new perspectives and move on in taking any love and support with them into their lives.
From an epigentic perspective this provides the opportunity to heal personal wounds for yourself and pass on a clearer genetic ‘blue-print’ to your children.
I envisage a world where Systemic Constellation theory and practice is common place. So much so it is seen as everyone’s right and privilege to experience as required for resolving systemic blocks. Through this our family dynamics may become clearer in enabling healthier connections. This means more of us in a better connection with our roots, so that love and resources are available to us. This is a fertile place from which each of us has the opportunity to fulfil our potential as unique human beings and enhance our world.
I have been running Family Constellations workshops and private sessions since 2005 and offer training. For more information see www.familyconstellations.com.au
Yildiz is the founder of two psychotherapies, a clinical hypnotherapist, Family Constellations facilitator and educator/trainer and author of three books. Her latest book Rapid Core Healing Pathways to growth and emotional healing (2016). Yildiz lives and runs a private practice in Brisbane, Australia, travelling nationally and globally to train clinicians and run workshops for the general public.
Organisations involved in training or growth interested in courses or applications may contact me on firstname.lastname@example.org
These ideas are presented in her book Rapid Core Healing for Growth and Emotional Healing (2016)
0412 172 300
Here is who I am www.yildizsethi.com and this is how you may engage in what I have to offer www.rapidcorehealing.com.
A man presented with anxiety. He spent a great deal of time and money on a range of psychotherapies including psychologist treatments over the years, yet the anxiety persisted. Some of his practitioners had suggested that he might have been the victim of sexual abuse.
He came to a workshop. He said he had a normal childhood with good parents and had a fulfilling job and relationship. Yet nightmares and anxiety were his daily experience. In asking about his parents and grandparents, his grandfather on his mother’s side was involved in the Vietnam war. On returning from war he was a different man. He become a depressive, angry alcoholic. He withdrew and refused to share his experiences.
In the constellation his representative stood between his mother and grandfather. His representative expressed his anguish and extreme terror as the representative for grandfather looked away. In putting in a representative for the soldiers and the Vietnamese people including those who were killed, the representative for the grandfather fell to the ground weeping.
At this point Healing sentences were given and the grandfather offered his full allegiance to his dead comrades and the civilians he had been ordered to kill. He was able to see the political forces that were responsible for his conscription and orders to kill and leave their portion of guilt with them.
He was then able to turn to his family feeling a little lighter. For the first time he was able to see his daughter and grandson. In looking at his grandson he was able to offer his best wishes for a life of choices and freedom. He told hi he was taking care of the terror and guilt and asked him to move on and live well.
The constellation was put into a better order and the man was able to take his place and honour the destiny of his grandfather and move on feeling calm.
He was relieved to find that he had not been repressing sexual abuse and happy to find out more about his grandfather so that he could honour him in putting him to rest with some dignity.
For details of workshops in Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane see
0412 172 300
These ideas are presented in my book Rapid Core Healing for Growth and Emotional Healing (2016)
and Family Constellations
I have a dream of being born into a loving and nurturing family. Having parents who are wise, loving and caring and know how to provide a healthy environment. This includes good boundaries and a good balance between exploration and safety. Parents who come from generations of fulfilled and open hearted people with high emotional sensitivity and intelligence. In such a place there are life-long connections and room to grow and explore individuality and potential.
This is a child’s dream. Reality is not like that for most of us.
We are autonomous, independent, free spirits navigating and pursuing our dreams and creating our reality; seeking to fulfil our potential and make meaning of our lives. Yet more of us are unhappy, lonely, depressed and anxious in a society endowed with affluence, sophistication, choice and comfort. More of our children are suffering learning and social difficulties and have addictions.
We are connected and yet so disconnected. Connected in social media, in seeking membership of fashionable, social groups and scenes and yet alienated in reality. Growing numbers of people have poor connections with family, home and culture. Are out of step with nature and the land and with little sense of belonging.
What has gone wrong?
We are so busy, distracted and caught up in our mind, that friendships become loose and transient. A large proportion of families are nuclear in having little connection or support from extended family. Many have lost the art of communication, sharing and nurturing.
It is common to see a family group with individually members consuming their own version of cyberspace through phones, tablets, constantly streaming media and social media while sitting in a coffee bar together. Unaware of the presence of each other, the people they most love. Their distraction with each other as they consume other realities and illusions resulting in a lack of communication, This often forms a state where avoiding eye contact becomes the norm. So much so, the thought of such intimacy (into me you see) becomes anxiety provoking, due of its lack of familiarity.
No wonder more people are feeling lonely, depressed and anxious.
What does this do to children?
What are we teaching them?
In my thirst for adventure and independence I moved from a close-knit family in England to Australia. So caught up in the impulse and adventure that I didn’t notice my own deeply held connections withering on the vine. My children losing their sense of belonging to a bigger collective. Losing contact with the sea of familiar faces, smells, sounds and culture that was part of their heritage. Later, becoming angry at their sense of isolation. There was a cost.
Isolation can come in many shapes and sizes
There is a need to come back to reality. Acknowledge that we are a product of our family, culture, nature and the earth. They nourish and sustain us..
We must not forget we are individuals and also collective beings. Human beings who are built to perceive ourselves through our relational bonds. There is a need to acknowledge and accept both sides of our humanity.
In essence we remain tribal, hence our impulse to congregate in cyberspace.
It was Family Constellations that bought me back to myself, my connections and my roots. Helped me to reconnect with myself in a healthier manner, so I could receive the connections and nurturing to feed my soul.
Yes there is still a physical distance with my people in England and my children are having to deal with their own disconnection as adults, but the Family Constellation process brings us back to our roots in a tangible way, if we let it; regardless of the cause of the disconnection. My people are all close to my heart even though I don’t see them so often.
Whether disconnection has developed through cyberspace culture, trauma, emotional or relational dysfunction or emigration, the Family Constellation process is perfect for reconnecting to ourselves and our roots for more health and wellbeing.
We all do the best we can with what we have and know for the most part. If we are emotionally mature we carry the responsibility for our actions and their consequences.
Sitting in a Family Constellation circle in a safe and confidential group for the purpose of sharing and healing provides a connection and healing in itself. It brings back faith in each person’s ability to give and receive and most of all connect in a more meaningful way. It taps into an ancient tribal memory of belonging.
Beyond that, other issues of relationship, entanglement, loyalties and systemic dysfunction are addressed and resolved in a deep and respectful manner for all concerned. This allows more freedom and autonomy in all aspects of life. This includes relationships, success, wellness and peace of mind and most of all happiness.
I visualise a world where people take up the challenge of restoring their connection to family, friends, society, culture and history. Respect our environment and the sacredness of our air, water and land. See the divine in each of us regardless of the colour of our skin or the culture and religion we are born into. The process of Family Constellations and methodologies like Rapid Core Healing and Emotional Mind Integration are commonplace and used regularly to restore and maintain harmony and health.
International Family Constellation training is starting in Brisbane 2-10 January 2017.
Details of training and workshops in Sydney, Brisbane and Melbourne Australia www.familyconstellations.com.au
www.rapidcorehealing.com. Rapid Core Healing training
These ideas are presented in my book Rapid Core Healing for Growth and Emotional Healing (2016)
0412 172 300
Here is who I am www.yildizsethi.com and this is how you may engage in what I
have to offer
How much connection is healthy?
How should we connect?
I like to consider human beings as being delivered into the world through parents, grandparents and great grandparents. We are born into ancestral consciousness or systemic consciousness. This holds a systemic memory of love, connection and support and is the vehicle through which life force is delivered.
It also holds loyalties, entanglements and trauma.
I believe that it is everyone’s right to disentangle and release themselves from inappropriate loyalties and trauma. Remain connected in a way that allows freedom and autonomy.
Systemic Constellation work is an ideal way to do this. Tap into the energy of the family system and resolve entanglements and trauma in a respectful way that give strength to all concerned.
We are coming to that time in the year when many of us meet family and extended family. This is a great time to connect and share and also a very painful and volatile period for those who are excluded or exclude themselves due to past hurts or situations.
While it is true that we cant change what has happened or other peoples beliefs or behaviour it is possible to change our perspective on it and resolve it to our best satisfaction so as to allow us to feel better about it.
This can be don win Family Constellations.
This is a perfect place to resolve a relationship, a pattern or a feeling in a safe confidential and compassionate group where by we can look at ourselves or the situation from another perspective to find out what is really going on. From here we can also find our best solution and our best place with it and move on in a healthier way.
The next workshop is the last of the year so take the opportunity to experience the process, the group and learn something about how we are all connected.
For more information and to book in see
Nearing the end of the year, can you believe it?!
Its been a time for tidying up for me, having had my head down in writing and working for a while. I have been revamping my website, with more to go Is it ever finished?
On another note its always good to see what happens to real people through the family Constellation process.
John came to a Family Constellation workshop saying that he had done a lot of personal development and coaching in the past but had not been able to to change a sabotage pattern that meant that he was not seen or recognised for his work. The Constellation shows a pattern that went back 3 generations. That was several months ago and John reports that he is being recognised and is really confident of the promised forthcoming promotion.
I am offering Family Constellation workshops in Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne for those who which to
Improve relationships. Suitable for couples, marriage, moving on from separation and divorce, blended families, parenting.
Resolving abuse issues including sexual abuse and violence.
Personal growth and spiritual growth.
Resolving blocks to success.
Issues that are suitable for Family Constellations
Workshops – www,familyconstellations.com.au Book NOW
We are composed of many layers.
Our mind is immensely powerful but many personal development and mental health professions have got lost in that, as we are much more than a brain and thought patterns.
Epigenetic is showing that we are highly influenced by the environment, history, relational connections and trauma of our family system. These also become part of who we are.
Further, neuro-research in brain plasticity shows that the brain is constantly rewiring itself and emotions are far more important than was previously thought.
Hence concentrating on the brain, thoughts, cognitions, schemas and behaviour is not enough, as it leaves out the unconscious mind and also the collective consciousness that we are all part of.
We are most intimately connected to our family systems and what is carried there and these patterns can and often do play out in our lives until we resolve them. Often this is just facing them to allow ourselves to come to a place of peace. Peace with where we come from leads to peace of mind and everything can flow from this place in your life.
Often, thoughts, turbulent emotions and behaviour patterns stop after a Constellation. Alternatively a little coaching or counselling can help after a constellation to help you move on, having done deep unconscious and systemic resolving in the constellation process.
There are many issues that may be resolved through Family and Business Constellations. Issues
Book in to workshops or private sessions now.
Many couples who seek help will say the they don’t know how to communicate with each other or are moving apart from each other.
While both of these claims are valid I would say they are the symptoms only of what is going on.
Communication is words and they come easily between a couple if the deeper dynamics of the relationship are in a good place.
Drifting apart is not feeling connected with the other. This also comes from a deeper place.
If a man has come from a family where little was ever openly discussed or who had many tragic relationships, he will often bring this into his relationship now and won’t know that there is any other way to be. He will be driven by unconscious systemic patterns.
If a woman lost her dad to death or divorce in her childhood she will unconsciously always be seeking him in her relationship and is very likely to pick a man who is not really fully present or available for her. She will be driven by unconscious systemic patterns.
Counselling will deal only with the symptoms of the communication or try to put in strategies to find some common ground. Valuable yes, but insufficient if these deeper issues are not resolved. Further counselling would have got go for months or years to get to the deeper issue issue and then would need to know how to resolve them too.A deep resolution of these deeper issues may never be found.
Family Constellations is a modality that is perfect for couples. Each of the couple can resolve their own relational issues that ar playing out in the relationship and then if necessary deal with any communication problems. Once the major road blocks are dissolved it is amazing how thing fall into place in a healthier way so that the couple can really see and respond to each other better,
Come to do Constellations for your relationship in a workshop or private sessions. Book Now